Attachment is a term used to describe how we learn to experience closeness, safety, and connection in relationships.
Attachment is often talked about in terms of “styles” - anxious, avoidant, disorganised.
For some people, these words feel helpful.
For others, they can start to feel like another way of saying something is wrong with them.
I see attachment differently.
I understand attachment as patterns of relating - ways we learned to seek closeness, protect ourselves, and survive emotionally within our relationships.
These patterns didn’t appear out of nowhere.
They formed through experience.
They made sense at the time.
They are not flaws.
They are adaptations.
Some people learned that moving towards others when distressed brought comfort.
Some learned that relying on themselves felt safer.
Some learned both - which can create a confusing push and pull around closeness.
Most of us don’t fit neatly into one category anyway.
We can notice different patterns with different people, or at different stages of life.
Attachment is fluid.
It shifts.
It evolves.
Healing isn’t about becoming perfectly “secure” or never feeling triggered.
It’s about slowly developing:
More awareness of your patterns
More compassion for where they came from
More choice in how you respond
Over time, many people build something called earned security - an inner sense that says:
“I make sense.”
“My feelings matter.”
“I can cope.”
“I am worthy of care.”
Attachment isn’t only about who you attach to.
It’s also about how you relate to yourself.
So rather than asking,
“What’s wrong with my attachment style?”
You might gently ask,
“What happened to me?”
“What did I learn about closeness?”
“What do I need now?”
You are not broken.
You learned what you needed to survive.
And you can learn new ways to live.