Grieving someone who’s still here: Understanding ambiguous loss
Some losses are easy to name. The death of a loved one. A breakup. A clear goodbye.
But sometimes, we lose people in more complicated ways.
They’re still alive, maybe even still in our daily lives, but the relationship has changed so much it feels like something vital is missing.
This is known as ambiguous loss. And if you’ve ever felt like you’re grieving someone who hasn’t died, you’re not alone.
What is Ambiguous loss?
Ambiguous loss happens when someone is physically here but emotionally absent or emotionally present but physically gone.
It’s a loss without a clear ending.
You might be experiencing ambiguous loss if:
- A loved one has dementia or Alzheimer’s and doesn’t seem like the same person anymore.
- You’re co-parenting after a divorce, but grieving the connection that once was.
- Your child has become distant or estranged, and you don’t know how to reach them.
- Someone you love is battling addiction or mental illness and doesn’t feel “present.”
- You’ve lost contact with a family member, or someone is missing from your life without explanation.
The person is alive, but your relationship with them is no longer what it was and that’s deeply painful.
Why this type of grief is so hard
One of the hardest parts of ambiguous loss is that it’s invisible.
There’s no funeral, no ceremony, no sympathy cards.
Other people might not understand what you’re going through and sometimes, you might not fully understand it either.
You may feel:
- Confused: “Why am I so sad when they’re still here?”
- Guilty: “Should I be feeling this way?”
- Powerless: “I can’t fix this. I can’t make it go back to how it was.”
This kind of grief often goes unspoken. But it is real, and it matters.
Ambiguous loss in families
As a counsellor working with families, I see ambiguous loss show up in so many ways:
- A parent grieving their child’s changing behaviour due to neurodiversity or mental health.
- A child confused by a parent who is inconsistent or emotionally unavailable.
- Grandparents grieving a role they once had in a family that’s now distant.
- Mums and dads trying to co-parent with someone they no longer trust or understand.
These are the kinds of losses that sit quietly beneath the surface, affecting relationships, communication, and everyday life.
How to cope when there’s no clear goodbye
There’s no easy fix for ambiguous loss, but there are things that can help:
Name the loss.
Simply recognising that what you’re feeling is grief , even without death, can be powerful. You’re not being dramatic or too sensitive. You’re grieving change, uncertainty, and the absence of connection.
Let go of “closure.”
We’re often told we need closure to move forward, but ambiguous loss rarely offers that. Instead, we learn to live with what is to carry both love and pain together.
Create new rituals.
Maybe its writing letters you don’t send. Lighting a candle. Talking to a trusted friend. Or setting new boundaries to protect yourself. Rituals help us honour what we’ve lost, even if no one else sees it.
Allow mixed feelings.
You can feel love and grief at the same time. Anger and longing. Relief and sadness. There’s no “right” way to feel when the person you miss is still technically here.
Seek support.
Whether it’s therapy, community, or a supportive friend, you don’t have to figure this out alone. Speaking your truth in a safe space can be healing.
A quiet kind of courage
If you’re grieving someone who’s still alive whether that is in your home, in your heart, or in your memory, what you’re going through is valid.
You’re carrying a kind of grief that doesn’t always have words.
You’re holding space for love, loss, and uncertainty all at once.
That takes a quiet kind of courage and you are not alone in it.
If this resonates with you, or if you’d like support for your family as you navigate complex relationships, feel free to get in touch. You don’t have to do this on your own.