When “Sorry” isn’t enough: Finding understanding instead of blame
Every relationship, no matter how strong, will hit rough patches. We all say things we don’t mean, retreat when we’re overwhelmed, or misunderstand what our partner needs. It’s part of being human. But what really matters is what happens after, how we find our way back to one another.
Repair isn’t just about saying “sorry” and moving on. It’s about slowing down enough to really understand what went wrong, and what it felt like for the other person. It’s about taking responsibility where we can, and creating space for both people to feel seen and heard again.
When defensiveness steps in
When we feel accused or hurt, our defences often rush in to protect us. We explain, justify, or fire back, not because we don’t care, but because it’s hard to sit with the idea that we might have caused pain. The problem is that defensiveness blocks connection. It stops us hearing the emotion underneath our partner’s words.
Sometimes, instead of explaining or trying to prove a point, we might simply say,
“I’m not trying to be right, I just want to understand how this felt for you.”
Even that small shift can soften the whole atmosphere. It moves the focus away from who’s right or wrong, and towards what’s really happening between you; two people trying to make sense of something painful, together.
Listening, truly listening, means hearing to understand, not just to reply. Sometimes it means taking a breath before speaking, or sitting with silence long enough for both of you to feel safe again.
Why support can help
When we’re caught in repeating patterns; the same argument in slightly different clothes, it can be hard to see what’s really going on. That’s where counselling can help. A calm, neutral space allows each person to slow things down, to listen and be listened to without interruption or blame.
In therapy, I often see that once people feel understood, the whole atmosphere changes. Defences drop. The nervous system settles. Compassion starts to take the place of frustration. It’s not about finding who’s right, but understanding how both people ended up feeling so wrong.
Listening to understand
A few small steps can make a big difference:
- Take turns. Let each person speak without being interrupted.
- Reflect back. Try, “What I hear you saying is…” or “It sounds like you felt…”
- Stay with feelings, not facts. The story matters less than the emotion behind it.
- Acknowledge impact. Even with good intentions, we can still hurt someone. Validation helps bridge the gap.
Repair takes courage. It asks us to listen with an open heart, even when we’d rather defend ourselves. But when we do, something shifts.
Repair as an ongoing practice
Repair doesn’t erase what happened, it helps us make sense of it together. It builds resilience, trust, and safety. Each time we repair, we remind one another: this relationship matters enough to do the work.
Conflict isn’t a sign that something’s broken; it’s a sign that something important needs attention. And with care, empathy, and support, repair becomes not a single conversation, but a gentle way of living, one that keeps bringing us back to understanding.
If this feels familiar and you would like some support in finding understanding or repairing communication, please feel free to get in touch. Sometimes a safe, supportive space can make all the difference.